Break It Gently
by Wowie
Summary: Shounen ai. Sakuragi ponders on when his relationship with Rukawa all started to go wrong, thus coming up with one painful conclusion.


**Title:** Break It Gently

**Author:** Wowie

**Status:** 1/1

**Rating:** PG-13

**Genre:** Angst

**Archive:** Ask permission first.

**Summary:** Sakuragi ponders on when his relationship with Rukawa all started to go wrong, thus coming up with one painful conclusion.

**Warnings:** Shounen-Ai (Boy X Boy Love) and some sexual themes.

**Author's Note:** I wrote this fanfic out of boredom. Sometimes, it's much more fun to go to school than stay at home doing nothing. Of course, I know I should finish my other pending fanfics but as I like to procrastinate a lot, I'm doing this instead. Anyways, my only warning here is the major OOCness of the characters involved. But then I think it's relative to angst fanfics, especially to series and characters that are not intended to be angst-y. Also role reversal... you'll know what I'm talking about once you read it. Not beta-ed so I might have missed some grammar mistakes, mostly concerning with sentence parallelism (subject-verb agreement and changes in tenses) which is my major weakness.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Slam Dunk, Takehiko Inoue-sensei does. But I do wish I could own Hana-kun.

...

I gaze outside the café window and watch the little flecks of snow fall from the heavy sky of December. I was vaguely aware of the fact that my cup of coffee has long cooled down and yet the one I'm supposed to meet hasn't arrived yet. I really don't mind. I don't care how long it takes me to wait here because I know that even if it would take hours, I'm sure that he'll come.

He has to come or else I'll come looking for him instead.

I stared at my cup and watch the slow swirling of the black liquid inside, pondering every thing that has happened to my life. Thinking of the things that I should have done and imagining what could have happened if I did them. I don't know how long I am staring down at it until I hear a voice, which is so achingly familiar, greeting me with a soft "Do'ahou." Only one person calls me that.

I look up to see a pair of azure eyes looking down on me. It never fails to mesmerize me, those wonderful eyes. Every time it locks on mine, every thing falls into place and I always drown with them. And now, I'm drowning into those deep pools; reveling every moment for it might be the last time I'll ever look at them this close again.

"Kitsune," I greet back and smile. Once upon a time it was meant as an insult, but now its purpose served as an endearment reserved for him and no other.

I see him smile in return and sit down opposite to me. A waitress comes to our table and asks him what he wants and I hear him also order himself a cup of coffee. After the waitress has gone, he removes his scarf and folds it neatly on the table. He then slowly rakes his hair and heaves a heavy sigh, like he has been carrying a lot in his mind, which I'm quite aware of.

He must have felt me watching him intently and so he immediately turned to look at me. For a while we stayed like that, content on the mutual silence between us. I would have loved us to stay that way for a while more, but I knew one of us has to break it and get down to what we were supposed to talk about.

In the past, I was always the one who start the conversation. I guess it was really expected because I was known for my loudmouth attitude. But this time, he, whom everyone thought of the quiet one, was the one who broke the silence.

"Have I been too late?" I hear him ask. That question gives so many meanings to me and I can also give him a lot of answers. But I know what he meant to ask is if I've been waiting for him for a long time.

I slowly shake my head. "No, you're just in time. It's just that I decided to come earlier since I don't have anything to do this afternoon." Which is partly true because I don't really have anything to do in the house and I might go crazy if I stay there anticipating our talk.

"I see..." he nods and then continues, "Our captain in the All-Japan team has extended our practice time because of the upcoming Olympics. I just requested him to excuse me for the day so that I could catch the train and arrive here on time."

Ah, yes, the All-Japan-team-practice excuse. It has been his favorite alibi these days and of course I couldn't fault him with that for I was the one who urged him to pursue it anyway. I could still remember our long discussion about it, about how he'd become busy and how he'd have no time for me. But I told him it was okay, as long as I knew that he's reaching for his dreams.

I told him I'll be happy as long as he's happy.

I wonder how many times that phrase has been used? Some takes it for granted; others use it to lie to themselves, although there are still those people who really meant it when they say that. As for me, at the time I really meant it. But now that I think about it, I'm not really sure anymore.

"Hana?"

I look up at him and found worry written on his face. He must have been waiting for me to answer and decided to call my attention when he noticed that my mind seem to have drifted away.

"It's okay, Kaede. I understand." When in truth I don't. He was the one who told me to meet him here so he should have arrived on time. But then I'm not going to tell him that. White lies... how can you live without them?

I saw him sigh with relief and I couldn't help but feel bitter inside. There's nothing he should feel relieved about! And so I decided to end that relief he's feeling with my next statement.

"So what do you want to talk about with me anyway? That you even excused yourself from an important training just to meet me here?"

With this he suddenly tensed and I felt a secret pleasure well up inside me. But the feeling immediately died down because I knew there's nothing pleasurable in what he's going to tell me next.

I see him open his mouth, but closing it again when the waitress arrive at our table with the coffee he ordered earlier. It is so unnerving with all these interruptions. If only it is possible to remove everything else so that we can finally have this moment only to each other. But then, in this life, you can't get everything you want.

After a while, the waitress left us at last. But as expected to an interrupted discussion, Rukawa didn't talk at once. I tried reading his face, but as usual, I couldn't fathom what he's thinking right now. I see him sigh again and look straight in to my eyes.

"I guess it can't be helped now..." he began. "We've been together for a year now, Hana, but..."

But what, Kaede?

"But I'm sure you've felt about this too... that we've grown apart..."

More than you'll ever know...

"If this continues, we might destroy ourselves..."

You already did.

"You don't talk to me like the way we used to talk..."

Because you don't talk to me like the way we used too either.

"When we're making love, it was like a duty you wanted to get over with as soon as possible..."

Because I know you want to get it over with as soon as possible also.

"We're like strangers living in the same house..."

You only sleep in the same house with me.

"What is happening to us?"

He leans closer to the table, intent on getting an answer from me. What do you want me to say, Kaede? You don't know how many times I've asked that question to myself. I thought we could fight all the odds; at least I'm sure I could. You know you had my heart from the beginning. Yes, even at the time I thought I'm in love with Haruko. But I'm afraid that it was you who gave up on us.

You did so when you cheated me with Sendoh.

I'll give you credit for hiding it to me, Kaede. At least I know that you still respect me in a way for being discreet about it. I wouldn't have known about it if I haven't decided on surprising you one day in your training camp. Of course, I didn't expect to see you all comfortable in Sendoh's lap, kissing him with all the intensity you said that was all reserved for me.

Maybe I'm a masochist for I didn't leave at once and even wait for the two of you to finish. Your cries of ecstasy in the arms of another still haunted me in my dreams until now. It was a wonder I was able to leave the place without the two of you noticing. But I guess you're both too busy with each other that you don't even care what's happening around you.

You couldn't expect me to act normal under the circumstances, don't you? I'm not a saint, Kaede. I don't even know how I was able to pretend not knowing anything for the past six months. But pretend I did, with the thought that my love for you will be enough.

Any sane being in the same situation as me would have left you at once. But I stayed with you, knowing the fact that you still go out with him. You don't know how many times I've come close to insanity just thinking what the two of you might be doing behind my back.

What did I do to deserve this, Kaede? Am I not good enough for you? How could you just throw away what we have just like that?

Maybe the reason why I stayed despite all of it is because I'm still hoping to preserve what little thing that is left for us. But as days go by, I feel you slowly drifting away from me, only to realize that in the end, I have just prolonged our suffering.

I knew you asked me to meet you here so that you could break up with me, Kaede. I knew it even from the time I caught you with Sendoh and was just confirmed to me when you thought I'm not at home and you two were doing it in our room.

'Akira, stop... Hana might come in any moment...'

'Then let him come. It's about time he finds out about us anyway.'

'No... I don't want to hurt him...'

'You'll hurt him even more if we continue hiding like this.'

And he's right, Kaede. It's better to end it now. Like you said, if this continues, we might destroy ourselves... even though the fact is that you've already destroyed me.

But I'll move on. I know somehow, I'll find a way to forget about you.

Our kisses.

Our vows.

Our hopes.

Everything.

You sigh again. I wonder what the others will say when they see you like this. They'll probably think that they're just hallucinating. For Rukawa Kaede is as cold as ice and the thought of him feeling worried on something is already a ridiculous idea.

"We can't go on like this forever, Hana..."

I know that.

"We have to—"

"Break up?" I supply and see your mouth hang open in surprise. I take the opportunity to talk before you can think of a way to distract me from that matter. "I've been waiting for you to tell me that and I was really surprised that it took you this long to finally do it, Kaede. We have to face it. We don't love each other anymore." Although I know it in my heart that I still do... and it really hurt so much. But there's no other choice but to end this now.

"Hana..."

"No, Kaede. You don't have to explain." I smile so that I can stop the tears from welling up my eyes. "Thank you so much for everything..." I can feel my heart thudding wildly in my chest. It looks like he wants to say something in return, but chose to remain quiet.

I can't stand this.

I don't want to break out in front of him.

And so with surprise calm, I managed to say, "Well, I think it's time for me to go..."

I see him nod slowly but couldn't look into my eyes. I stand up quietly and leave the place. From outside I can see him still looking at me and so I wave at him and finally turn to walk away.

Strange, but the tears I was holding back while in front of him never came out. I thought when I can finally be all by myself I'll be able to shed my tears. Somehow, the snow has made me numb, and it was really a strange feeling because I could feel the heaviness in my heart yet I couldn't do anything to release them.

It was so much easier if I had just let the tears fall freely when I had the chance. The price I pay for trying to maintain my pride.

**-Owari-**

...

Yeesss... I know I'm insane to write a fic like this... a SenRuSen/HanaRu no less... so... gets inside an artillery tank flame away!


End file.
